HOW I SAVED MY CHILDLESS MARRIAGE AND REMAIN HAPPILY MARRIED.(Part03)

SAVED SITUATION

The situation started affecting my relationship with my wife.Whenever this matter comes for discussion, it tends to tear us apart,because one of us will try to take sides with one parent's position.The issue of childlessness is very strong in our society.The woman can not be left out.She bears the burden squarely. She is at the center of the debacle, she bears the brunt. If care is not taken, she may be replaced by a (suggestive divorce) more fruitful woman by her in-laws.They are most times not willing to wait too long or having any kind of patience, even if it has been advised by the experts to be patient and wait!

Considering the years we've been in marriage without a child and my position in the family made it more difficult, it becomes imperative that solution must be found.It behooves my wife to become also desperate for the solution.
She started consulting for solutions on the matter which took her to pastors with different spiritual dimensions and doctors. While my mother was frantically making arrangements to get a new wife for her only son, nothing was to be spared.

But mission accomplished was the watch word.Take note; what was upper-most in the mind of my mother is generational continuity and quest to keep the family name, our happiness was not taken into consideration at all.
The problem of a childless marriage can not be over emphasized, we suffered severally in the hands of solution-givers who had ways to get our finances. They failed to live up to the expectations or to their promises. In this kind of situation, spending is not budgeted, but must done .

Your are expected to respond to any recommendation brought- about as a solution to the problem, irrespective of your financial standing .I can not forget what one of the doctors' who diagnosed my wife told us, that she was having petuatry tumor. But it a wrong diagnosis, because other doctors who later had a more comprehensive diagnosed, found no tumor.
While we're looking for solutions for conception, we resolved to adopt children who are now part of our family. Initially there we're opposition to this idea but when they found out that both myself and my wife we're not willing yield to their pressure,it behooves them to accept our proposal, hence that has defeated the initially idea of bringing another woman(second wife) into our home just because we could have children of our own in time.
My advise to couples who find themselves in this kind of situation is that they should threaten their bond of love for one another. There should not be bulk-passing. They should swim-together in the problem that were facing them. Once those opposing them finds out that they were not united in love and not having a common purpose to fighting the raging enemy, they would tear them apart and have their ways. Couples have difficulty in childbearing should making time to exhaust all the medical solutions avail to them.
Men should not stick to their un-compromising attitude,which always brand women as the guilty party in this case. Both of them should submit themselves to medical check-ups/ laboratory diagnoses to avoid one-sided action.

Often time women are traumatized on the issue of delayed child-bearing,without checking out the facts of the matter on both sides. While you're looking for solutions, do not forget to seek God's hand to help you,.
If you have further response to this article, please feel free to drop us a few line. Your questions will be welcomed!


Prince Vincent.

HOW I SAVED MY CHILDLESS MARRIAGE AND REMAIN HAPPILY MARRIED.(Part 02)

MY EXPERIENCE

I want to use my case to give you a pip into what obtains, or "what you can call a case-study" and the troubles some couples have been through because they did not have children on time after they got married or did not have at all.
Several marriages have crashed as a result of pressure on the marriage from relatives/extended family members. From my point view as an African/One with enormous experience.
Children are precious to the family for different reasons. The survival and economic factors of the families is squarely placed on the children. Every family look forward to their children succeeding them either in their endeavors or linage elongation. So the premium placed on child-bearing by families in Africa is so much, and puts pressure on couples especially newly formed ones. Grandparents and relatives are on the loo-out for the off-spring of the union.
Since I'm using myself and my wife as a case study,
it will be good to start by giving you a beat of my background. I'm the only son of my parents and I've been married since May 29th 1992 without a child.

My parents had me at their later age,or (when they had almost lose hope of have a male child) and where also eagerly looking forward to seeing me produce off-springs for the continuity of the family. When I got married, my mother was relieved that it won't be long before she will carry her grandchildren, also the anxiety of family extinction was taken care of; But their expectations did not come quickly as hoped. As the conception delayed,anxiety started mounting on the to find quicker solution.
Then came the subtle quests for solutions . Every one was worried that no conception has taken place after one year of staying together as husband and wife. My mother summoned my wife to have a chat with her on the issue. On our own, we did not keep quite about the situation knowing fully well the type of environment/ society we have. We started visiting doctors of gynecology to know if there were things we needed to do rightly or doing wrongly. Our parents were not left out of the search for remedy. On their own they went as far as consulting traditional/natural medicine men/women whom by their believe are more knowledgeable and has an effective solution to the matter at hand.Though we tried not to offend them, seeing that all they were interested in, were in our well being, nevertheless, we made sure all the recommended practices did not constitute a sin to our faith. The more years roll-by and there was no sign of conception,the more pressure came on us.

The situation became un-bearable to my mother, she started making arrangements for alternative wife who'll help to procreate the children irrespective of our happiness. Crises crept into our marriage, my wife would think that I'm on the side of my parents to bring in a new wife. As the man at the center of the crises, I was boxed in between and solutions was not in sight quickly.
In one of the occasions my mother brought a beautiful lady who had a son,(outside wedlock) and introduced her to me as my wife to be!The proposal includes accepting the child as part of my family and making him my son. She said that if only I would agree to marry the lady with the child ,she would go ahead to conclude all marital rites.
In the same vein, she approached my wife to accept the young woman as her mate(second wife) in the family.In fairness to her, all efforts were geared toward finding solutions to achieve the objective of the "big family." Both sides of the in-laws have their options and parts to play to actualize their ideals. They are not ready to sheathe their sword until the arrival of their grandchildren, as the saying goes"Where two elephants fights" it is the grass that suffers".That was how best I could describe what our marriage went through just because we could not bear children in time to fill the expectations of our families.
My wife and I, were incurring the wrath of the family(extended) members by our insistence to wait for God's appointed time.

HOW I SAVED MY CHILDLESS MARRIAGE AND REMAIN HAPPILY MARRIED.

You can be happy in your marriage even if you did not have children.The union of two persons coming together in marriage is because they love each other.That should be uppermost in the hearts of couples.
If marriage is not meant to be enjoyed, then what is the essence of it ? Children are the crowing blessing of the union, so if after some years of expecting this crowning blessing and there is no sign of the arrival of children on the board.Then the couple must watch-out for a possible crack in the wall of their marriage. It might not be their own design or in their interest to quarrel over delayed childbearing, but that of the extended interest groups/families. if adequate care is not taken to check-mate issues, things might get-out of hand and hamper their relationship.

Let me ask you this question, if after some years of being in marriage and there is no child. What would be your attitude to the situation? Consider that in your society that won't be acceptable.Think about every relative being concerned for your sake! How about those who had suddenly become medical advisers' to the situation? All these people will be breathing down your neck for their supposed grandchildren whom they are expecting from your union etc. The problems of childless couples differs from one society/community to another depending on which part of the globe you are.

HOW POWERFUL IS PILLOW-TALK?

It is no longer news that women in Kenya has decided to embark on seven days sex strike, to drive home their quest for peaceful and well governed country. In the same vein, they have encouraged the wives of President and Prime Minister of Kenya to use pillow-talk on their husbands, to help these women to take home the views of women. Their line of argument is that when men have retired to bed with their wives, they are calmer, hence all protocol have ceased. The warmth of love and passion takes over the atmosphere. Wives, who know how to play their role, could then make special appeal to their husbands. She could be interceding for a people or interests.
Talking about pillow-talk, several power-hungry women have used the pillow-talk syndrome to control government's policies and appointments. Many first ladies of different nations have used the power of women through pillow-talk to achieve their purposes.
History has it that strong men, powerful rulers, Kings, and Presidents have all at one time or other, done the bidding of their wives. Political office seekers have always found wives of heads of government an avenue to penetrate political circles and obtain their desired appointments.
Since women have used pillow talk to achieve their desires and the wishes of her beneficiaries. I would then recommend that this practice be apply also to marital crisis. If wives who are having marital disagreement with their spouses could borrow a leaf from those who have practiced “pillow talk syndrome” they would on their own sort their spouse out and begin to enjoy their marriages.
Wives should seek out the best mood of their spouses, especially when they had retired to bed, “rearing to go” sensing that the passion is high, every man will be willing to concede enough to a discerning wife if she plays her pillow-tones well.
How about the Kenyan women and their sex-strike? From the BBC interview I listened. Some male respondents complained that they would find it difficult to stay seven days without sex. There lies the power of women which has made the strong men of this world to look like chicken. “Hallow ladies” power your marriages with your ever powerful pillow-tones. Your gifted by God power your bedrooms. Sweet dreams ……Sweet dreams….Sweet dreams…….

Saving Your Marriage By Loving Your In-Law. Part 03

Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can't do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we'll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It's hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

• Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
• Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
• One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
• One mother-in-law answered, "I need to feel included." Another said,” I need some time alone away from people."
• Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

SaveYour Marriage By Loving Your In-Laws.Part 02

LEAVING AND CLEAVING.

In the beginning God created marriage and it was very good. And in Genesis 2:24 he gave three foundational principles for making marriage work. It is not surprising that the first principle deals with in-law relationships. We read, "For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife" Why is leaving so important? Aren't we always to love and respect our parents? Absolutely But we're also commanded to leave.
In Genesis 2:24 leaving is switching our family allegiance. If one mate refuses to realign his or her priority from parents to spouse, that marriage will have problems. When most modern-day couples marry, they physically leave their parents homes. But they also need to leave on another level-on the emotional level. The realigning of our priorities means we need to move our allegiance from our parents to our partners.
We don't stop honoring, respecting, and loving our parents, but they are no longer the number one priority relationship in our lives-or they shouldn't be!

Understand What You Can and Can't Do

We like to say, "You can do what you can do and that's what you can do," We might add "that's all you can do" may be you are blessed with parents and in-laws who are positive and loving. Or you might be in a more distressing situation, and your parents and in-laws are negative and critical.
Whatever the situation, whether your extended family has a positive or negative situation can depends more on you than on the situation. A negative situation can bring you closer together as a couple as you seek to find a solution you can all live with. One couple in our survey decided to turn down an offer of financial help from their parents because it was perceived as a means of control. They would rather be poor than manipulated by their parents.
Also, we need to face the fact that some extended families are just closer than others. Your extended family will not be as close as your nuclear family, nor should it be. Everyone struggles with family relationships. And the older we get, the more complex family relationships become. Also, we assume that if we had a closer-knit family growing up, that closeness will remain when we add in-laws. But having a great nuclear family doesn't translate automatically into a great extended family.
Evaluating your own unique situation will help you understand what is and what isn't realistic to expect from your in-law relationships. Stop for a moment and think about the following questions:

1 What is the best aspect of my relationship with my in-laws?
2 What is the major tension with my in-laws?
3 What is the best way to communicate with my in-laws?
4 What kinds of things pull us together as an extended family?

In the following pages we want to share with you some of the answers we received from couples in a survey we conducted about how they were attempting to love their in-laws, and also share with you some practical suggestions that will help you do what you can to build better relationships with your own in-laws.

SaveYour Marriage By Loving Your In-Laws.

Life is an opportunity for every person to create a new story that can be passed along by generations to come.

Did you realize that when you married your prince or princess charming you inherited the king, the queen, and the whole court? In a real sense, you did marry the whole family. Despite all the "in-law/out-laws” jokes.. In-laws play a significant role in how your marriage goes.

Healthy in-law relationships are a wonderful blessing in any marriage.
Un-healthy in-law relationships can be a continual drain and irritation. so what can you do to build healthy relationships with your in-laws? That’s what this chapter is all about. We want to help you evaluate your present in-law relationships and come up with a plan for building better ones in the future.
We'll look at what you can do to improve relationships with your in-laws. We’ll also consider what you can't do to-what is un-realistic in relating to your parents and in-laws and how to handle the reality that some relationships are just closer than others. Then we will give you some tools to help [you build better relationships with your spouse's parents and siblings. Let's get started.

The more mutual respect and enjoyment you experience with your extended family, the more security and stability you and your spouse will feel in your marriage. Start by looking at your place on the family seesaw. Are you newlyweds just starting out? Or perhaps you have young in-laws who also demand your time and energy and have parents and in-laws who also demand part of your life. You might even have aging parents who are beginning to experience health problems. If you are a blended marriage with his children, her children, and "ours," you could have extended family members all up and down the family seesaw. Wherever you are on the family seesaw, it will be a balancing act. How can you build your marriage and love your in-laws at the same time? Let's start by evaluating your present relationship with your in-laws.

HOW I WAS DETERMINED TO MAKE MY MARRIAGE WORK. (Part 01)

By Prince Vincent

In the context of what I'm discussing, I would wish to define a "home as a nucleus training centre for marriages which produces great effect on the off-springs.

Growing children are always looking -up at their parents as role-models. While they were growing-up in their families, we assumed that they're equally under-going an in-house training for marriage.

But whether what they learn will impacts positively or negatively on their marriages in future is a question for another day. Whatever they pick from their parents as marital behaviors will definitely have an influence on them in future. In my case, I indeed went through the same in-house - marriage- training centre. My environment presented me with negative influences, but I should have picked the negative aspect as my behavioral heritage from my parents, since that was what was available to me. But I decided to jettison the marriage behavioral training I pick-up from my parents (family) because it would rather put nail on the coffin of my marriage than to make it work.

I'm going to let you into my background. My parents were not the best couples, but when I became aware of my environment, I realized that the way they were relating to each other we’re far from being friendly and what married life should look like.

There were incidence of hatred, fighting, battery, and general lack of affection in the home which extended and affected even the children.

My mother was severally manhandled by my father. They could not have been a role model for any anticipating couple, especially a young- star like me, who detested every ill-treatment to my mother. They had several quarrels caused by minor issues.

I won't forget in a hurry, how my mother's head was broken with a burnt-brick (block) by my father just because she asked for money to barbe my hair; that brought the stone crashing upon her head.

She was hospitalized and police was brought into the matter, but our big (extended) family intervened and they sued for peace reconciliation because the off-springs of the union. With all that has happened in my parents' marriage, it became oblvious that my perception of marriage has been soiled. My young mind was engolfed with fear of what step to take and would not end-up as a failure in marriage like my parents. In my understanding, marriage based on my parents attitude/experience, is bound to fail. I was almost deciding not to be involved in marriage.

On my becoming a man and thinking of getting married or re-considering my earlier stand, the issue of my parents' relationship became a thing of concern again. Those who knew our family would think that I'm going be a replica of my father in character. Yes, some have already made-up their minds on me, and became advocates/protectors of my would-be wife.

It is not amusing how some people who knew us (our family) went to my- would- be in-laws to inform them of what awaits their daughter, should they allow her to marry me. Some relationships I had, collapsed as result of my parent's stinking marriage.

This fact threw a challenge to me. I then decided to prove every body wrong, by charting a new course for my life. All the evil behaviors which characterized my parent's marriage were the things I was determined not be associated with.

I took this decision to prove that I could be whatever I'm determined to, but not what people think I should be. A saying goes that "A leopard can not be without spots”. It has been proven wrong in my case.

ATTITUDE TO SEX THAT AFFECTS MARRIAGES.

By prince vincent

The act of fore-play in sexual relationshiop can not be over emphasised. Some men do not prepare their wife for this act which is most important,and the very oil that greases the machine of the marfriage.

Many women feel boring whenever their husbands demand for sex.

Not because they don’t want it, but because of the way their husbands approaches them for such an act .some men don’t know that every woman is like electric iron, when you plug it, it takes some minute before it gets hot or charges. So also every woman needs romance before the real act (sex)

Some husband will return from office/work, and order their wife to the bed, when she obeyed, he will jump onto her like cow and when he gets tired he will jump down without minding whether his wife is satisfied or not .No woman is pleased with such a man.

The worst thing you can do to your partner is to deny him or her SEXUAL SATISFACTION. My friend, allow your wife to reach her orgasm, otherwise she will be frustrated anytime she notice your move for such act.

Many homes have been broken because of SEX DENIAL. Most men hate their wives because of that .The major thing that causes problem in a family today is the issue of SEX DENIAL. Many men have reported their partner to pastors, confidants and elders of their family on the issues of SEX DENIAL, not knowing that they are the cause of the whole problem. Electric iron can not iron your clothe without being charged, so also no woman can give you SEXUAL SATISFACTION without enough romance .So reporting her to your pastors, elders and confidants is not the issue, the issue is to learn how to make love with your partner and satisfy her.

Learn all methods of love-making and put them in practice to nourish your marriage. The essence of satisfying lovemaking in a marriage can NOT be over emphasized. In every institution there are principles and practices, and people who belong to that institution must put themselves in a state to obey the rules of the institution for harmony and well being of partners. The same principle applies to marriage, and her components. Therefore the following methods are to enable both of you to enjoy each other. When you continue to practice one method of love-making (missionary position) every day it becomes a routine, and tends to bore. Take action today, and make your marital sex life lively.

v Sitting position

v Rear entry position

v Face to face, side by side position

v Face to face, man on top

v Face to face, woman on top.

They say that variety is the spice of life, couples are advised to not to take feelings of their spouse for granted.

Sexual relationship in marriage is a bonding and nourishing factor which can not be toyed with, if any one wants a healthy and happy married life .You may have to change your attitude towards sex, you may be like me, who has been taught from childhood that sex should not be talked about, or discussed. It is possible you’ve imbibed this attitude. Now that you’re married, it’s affecting your sexual relationship with your spouse.

Couple should whole-heartedly discuss their affairs/feelings towards each other; tell him or her what is not doing right to you on bed, especially when they’re on these regimes which I’ll regard in this term as follows.

1. High ( actively involved and enjoying it)

2. Low ( Not actually enjoying it but not complaining)

3. None existing.(A time when it is neither here nor there

During these regimes their sexual relationship could be classified as such judging by their activeness. There are times when work-place fatigue sets in, and the couple becomes excuse making on bed instead of giving their sweet-hearts a romantic night-to- remember. There are some other social factors which we shall discuss other times as part of the matters affecting marriage relationship.

Take a look at your sex life, and tell yourself that you’re satisfied with what you’re getting from your marriage relationship? But where you‘re not satisfied, then you should seek ways to improve the factors you identify as attacking your sexual marital happiness.

Stay passionately and be romantically hooked, because your

union is meant to last a life-time.Stay blessed until when I shall be taking through another saving my marriage topic.Thanks for finding time to visit our site,and checking out what we have for you.

Please feel free to re-act to article published on sthis site. Your sincere comments are welcomed.

Prince Vincent